So you have a friend with Asperger's Syndrome

Preface: The intention of this post is to provide some background information about what it is like to go through life with Asperger's Syndrome, speaking both with facts, and my own personal experiences. Through reading this, my hope is that you find yourself better equipped to love and support your friend with Asperger's syndrome, or any other Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD). 

There are many day to day challenges that people like myself are faced with. They change as we grow older and as the people around us change. The challenges are more obvious in grade school than they are later in life. If you have a friend that you care about who has Asperger's Syndrome or another form of ASD, chances are they have been through a lot in life.

One of the biggest challenges that face people like myself come from social situations. While a neurotypical person develops social skills naturally by watching people around them, someone with Asperger's Syndrome lacks the ability to do so. For us, it requires some training, and a lot of hard work. A common misconception about people with Aspergers is that we are introverted and have no desire whatsoever to interact with people. This however is actually far from the truth. Many people with Aspergers including myself have a deep desire to build relationships with people but aren't quite sure how to. Sometimes previous failures make us fearful of trying.

Because of our lack of ability to develop social skills naturally, we become very easy targets for bullying. I experienced a lot of teasing as a result of personality traits that I did not have control over. Even in college I have been treated differently because of this. However, me talking about my own experiences doesn't present the bigger picture of a much more serious problem.

When it comes to bullying, people on the ASD are no strangers. In fact, In a study conducted by Autism Speaks that included 1,167 children aged 6-15, 63% reported they had been bullied at some point in their lives. Bullying of course includes a variety of things including your typical teasing up to physical and sometimes even sexual abuse. Because of our lack of natural social skills, we are often targeted for bullying.

In a study conducted by the National Autism Association that was conducted in 2009, it was found that...

1. 65% of parents with children who have Asperger's Syndrome indicated that their child had been victimized by peers in at least one way in the last year
2. 47% of parents indicated that their child had been physically hit by peers or siblings
3. 50% were reported to be fearful of their peers
4. 9% were attacked by gangs and physically harmed in private areas
5. 12% reported their child had never been invited to a birthday party
6. 6% reported consistently being chosen last for teams
7. 3% reported eating lunch alone on a daily basis. 

In my own experience, I have in some ways been victimized by peers. It isn't always the intention of a peer to victimize or discriminate against someone like myself with AS. This has happened to me throughout my life, even in college. In fact, at the end of my freshman year, I experienced a situation in which I was treated like a freak, both by someone who was a close friend and the school I attend. The situation left me fearful of my peers, including those that I was close to and stood behind me as I dealt with this situation. 

Asperger's Syndrome is defined as a developmental disorder related to autism and characterized by higher than average intellectual ability coupled with impaired social skills and restrictive, repetitive patterns of interest or activities. When it comes to these interests, if they aren't interests that are shared with others, they are often discouraged and quashed as quickly as possible. This happened to me throughout grade school. I have a very significant interest in commercial aviation. However, because it wasn't a common interest, it was often discouraged. If only the thousands of pilots in the sky, flight attendants, business executives knew. 

I'm sure reading all of this you are probably thinking.. What can I do to support my friend with Asperger's Syndrome?

First of all, I owe it to my friends for sticking beside me no matter what. If it weren't for the love and support that I got from my friends, I am not sure where I would be. That isn't to say that they haven't made mistakes, and that isn't to say I haven't made mistakes either. There are a few things that you need to know though to be the best friend and ally that you can be, that is if you actually care about that person. 

First of all, make it known to them that you care about them, and that you are there for them no matter what. Because social skills don't come naturally to us, be warned that we might say or do some unusual things. When this happens, be honest. The worst thing that you could do is distance yourself because this person isn't what you call "normal" (what does that even mean, anyway). 

Also, be aware that prior bullying might make it more difficult for them to trust you. It isn't uncommon for people to create conditional friendships to control people on the autism spectrum. It has happened to me, and it has happened to others as well. Always be ready to stand up for them. They will stand up for you as well. 

And most importantly, provided that the interests aren't inappropriate or harmful, encourage them rather than quash them. This is especially true in college. You typically attend college to study a field that interests you, so to discourage someone for their interests that they have come to study would be kind of counterproductive. These repetitive interests and behaviors might at first glance seem wrong and unhelpful, but actually prove later in life to be very advantageous. 

Hopefully by reading this blog post, you have gained a better understanding of what it is like to live life with a social disorder that makes you a target, and how you can love and support friends who have this disorder.