Preface: This article is about how being diagnosed with a disorder as significant as autism really rocks your world, as well as your family's world. The only people who truly know what its like are those who see the world through the eyes of someone with autism. And I have tried so hard to see the world through the eyes of a neurotypical person to no avail.
Over the last 2 months, I have shared several articles. The first was my story about my own life with autism. The second was how you can care for your friend who has autism, regardless of where they are on the spectrum. Lastly, I shared about my experience with friendships. All of these took a lot of thought. I am 20 years old, and didn't open up about my autism until about 2 months ago.
You could compare the emotions of being diagnosed with autism to being diagnosed with cancer. Unbelief, uncertainty, despair, general other negative feelings. Don't get me wrong. Cancer and autism are two very different things. Autism is a developmental disability, and cancer is a physical ailment. I was officially diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome in 2006, around the age of 7. My understanding of what autism was at the time, and even for most of my own life was that it was this serious mental handicap. People with autism need professional help to live life. That was my understanding. I refused to accept my diagnosis for many years after. Trying to be normal, trying to fit in.
None of this however was truly effective. It's like trying to pretend your leg isn't broken and trying to walk on it. I had some difficulties. I've gone through years of therapy, and have experienced rejection from my peers my entire life, often leaving me very depressed. I had and still have very low self confidence, because it seems that I would always fail, especially when it came to social issues.
One of the challenges that I deal with is in fine motor skills. Its odd, because I began playing musical instruments before I was diagnosed, which require fine motor skills. This didn't stop me from playing cello. In fact, I was part of district orchestras in 6th and 8th grade, but refused to do it in high school. Playing music for 9 straight hours is not productive or healthy. If you are in the same place for that long playing music, you begin to lose your inspiration.
Since finally owning the fact that I am autistic, I have found myself in a lower place than ever before. Granted, there were events that lead to this, but it still was a low place. I saw myself as someone who will never be able to amount to anything. Someone who was a burden to society. Someone who was a burden to his friends. Someone who will never be able to do anything in life that is at all meaningful. The enemy is very powerful. We cannot deny that. Over the last couple of weeks, my church (Worship Center) has been doing a sermon series called Courageous Faith. And out of this series I have several key takeaways.
Having autism means that I have certain needs that a neurotypical person does not need. Some of them that I feel ashamed to need. A normal person will never understand what it feels like to need social coaching at the age of 20. It's humiliating, and if it weren't for the support of my closest friends, it would be even worse. These feelings of humiliation subsided though when Matt Mylin brought up this first takeaway
A need is not a setback. Its's a setup.
Having this need gives me a significant opportunity to grow as an individual. In fact, I could almost say I am looking forward to going through social coaching now, especially with the people that I have beside me. People who I know will be there every step of the way. As I have previously stated, a neurotypical person learns social skills naturally by observing and interacting with other people. For people with Aspergers, it requires a lot of training, and a LOT of hard work. I gave up at a younger age, and now it's time to start again.
Previous failures make this idea of social interaction more daunting to me. That brings me to another takeaway.
Having courageous faith gives us hope to see beyond past disappointments.
God has shown me over the last couple of months that there is a reason why I have autism. I became emotional when writing this, but there are people who's lives I have impacted. These people were up front about that. I've heard stories of other people's lives being impacted by people with autism as well. I'm not being punished.
There are lies that keep coming into my head telling me that I will never be able to do anything signficant with my life. Looking back on my accomplishments, I am actually ahead of a lot of my peers. At the age of 18, I found a sustainable career working for an airline, which was actually my dream job as well. I completed my Freshman year of college. I am camp counselor at a camp designed for normal people. I am finally involved in ministry.
Having autism doesn't make me a slow person. Heck, it has so many advantages. Having limited interests means that I can truly maximize my productivity in areas that I am passionate about. I can build real friendships that are build around love, trust, and loyalty. I am actually very strong in the realm of public speaking. I love to write and have been told by many that I am good at it.
On June 16, 2018, I was finally able to not only accept who I am, but say "I am autistic, and I am thankful such a blessing". I am proud to be autistic.
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