Past Disappointments and the impact on relationships

"HAVING COURAGEOUS FAITH GIVES US HOPE TO SEE BEYOND PAST DISAPPOINTMENTS" -MATT MYLIN, 2018

You may recall seeing that the end of the last semester at LBC was particularly rough on me. I had a friend that stabbed me in the back in one of the worst possible ways. What I haven't really talked about however was the lasting impact that it left. It has impacted me in a number of ways.

I have a very tight group of friends, each of which I love very much. However, over the last several months, I have been fearful of them. They hadn't done anything to me. They were and are real friends. I'll take that a step further. Words do not even begin to describe how much they mean to me. But because of what happened with someone else, I have had this anxiety that they would do the same.

There are several reasons for this. First of all, because of what was said about me, I had this feeling that I was nothing but a burden to them. Like I said in a previous post, I have had feelings of shame, feelings of inadequacy, feelings of just not being good enough for anyone. This week at camp while teaching a bible lesson to my campers, I came across a significant re-revelation. The truth is found in Psalm 139:14a which states "I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made" (ESV). We are made in the image of God. He has a plan to use our lives. We are created to have intimacy with Him.

I had a very meaningful conversation today with one of my co-workers about what I have been dealing with over the last couple of months. First of all, the fear of some of the people that I love that they would hurt me just like the last person did. That they wouldn't be there when I needed them most. But he brought up the point that they were there for me when I was dealing with what I was dealing with over the last couple of months.

I was convicted. I was looking for a sign that they would be there for me no matter what. So much so that I missed it. They were. They are. They will be. Even further, I am not a burden to them. Granted, they have said that more than once, but the enemy is strong and puts lies into your head. But upon sharing some of the interactions that I have had some of these people, it was obvious to my coworker that my friends don't see me as a burden at all. In fact, quite the opposite. There is a takeaway from a sermon given by Matt Mylin at Worship Center that was very convicting. "Having Courageous faith gives us hope to see beyond previous disappointments"  

So why does it matter that we are fearfully and wonderfully made? God created us in HIS image. He has a reason for every part of us. I discovered that this week at camp. Being autistic allows me to understand other people with special needs on a different level than someone who doesn't have special needs. Its so easy to look at what we see as disadvantages as exactly those, but we fail to recognize the advantages.

I have talked about the ability to create and maintain meaningful relationships, perhaps more so than a "normal" person. I have also talked about the ability to be productive, which I have seen in previous jobs. But in the end, it doesn't matter what happens around me, because God's plans are bigger than mine. There is a song that comes to mind when I write that, by the name of Wide Open, by Austin French. The first verse is "Plans, I'd been the fool, thought my plans was so much bigger, so much better than Yours". That verse right there is very convicting. Everything that happens in our lives happens for a reason, and we often get so caught up in our own plans that we blow off the fact that our plans mean nothing.

I would like to take this opportunity to once again thank my friends for being who they are and for being there to me. There aren't words that describe how much they mean to me and how thankful I am to have them.

Finally accepting myself as someone with autism

Preface: This article is about how being diagnosed with a disorder as significant as autism really rocks your world, as well as your family's world. The only people who truly know what its like are those who see the world through the eyes of someone with autism. And I have tried so hard to see the world through the eyes of a neurotypical person to no avail. 

Over the last 2 months, I have shared several articles. The first was my story about my own life with autism. The second was how you can care for your friend who has autism, regardless of where they are on the spectrum. Lastly, I shared about my experience with friendships. All of these took a lot of thought. I am 20 years old, and didn't open up about my autism until about 2 months ago.

You could compare the emotions of being diagnosed with autism to being diagnosed with cancer. Unbelief, uncertainty, despair, general other negative feelings. Don't get me wrong. Cancer and autism are two very different things. Autism is a developmental disability, and cancer is a physical ailment. I was officially diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome in 2006, around the age of 7. My understanding of what autism was at the time, and even for most of my own life was that it was this serious mental handicap. People with autism need professional help to live life. That was my understanding. I refused to accept my diagnosis for many years after. Trying to be normal, trying to fit in.

None of this however was truly effective. It's like trying to pretend your leg isn't broken and trying to walk on it. I had some difficulties. I've gone through years of therapy, and have experienced rejection from my peers my entire life, often leaving me very depressed. I had and still have very low self confidence, because it seems that I would always fail, especially when it came to social issues.

One of the challenges that I deal with is in fine motor skills. Its odd, because I began playing musical instruments before I was diagnosed, which require fine motor skills. This didn't stop me from playing cello. In fact, I was part of district orchestras in 6th and 8th grade, but refused to do it in high school. Playing music for 9 straight hours is not productive or healthy. If you are in the same place for that long playing music, you begin to lose your inspiration.

Since finally owning the fact that I am autistic, I have found myself in a lower place than ever before. Granted, there were events that lead to this, but it still was a low place. I saw myself as someone who will never be able to amount to anything. Someone who was a burden to society. Someone who was a burden to his friends. Someone who will never be able to do anything in life that is at all meaningful. The enemy is very powerful. We cannot deny that. Over the last couple of weeks, my church (Worship Center) has been doing a sermon series called Courageous Faith. And out of this series I have several key takeaways.

Having autism means that I have certain needs that a neurotypical person does not need. Some of them that I feel ashamed to need. A normal person will never understand what it feels like to need social coaching at the age of 20. It's humiliating, and if it weren't for the support of my closest friends, it would be even worse. These feelings of humiliation subsided though when Matt Mylin brought up this first takeaway

A need is not a setback. Its's a setup. 

Having this need gives me a significant opportunity to grow as an individual. In fact, I could almost say I am looking forward to going through social coaching now, especially with the people that I have beside me. People who I know will be there every step of the way. As I have previously stated, a neurotypical person learns social skills naturally by observing and interacting with other people. For people with Aspergers, it requires a lot of training, and a LOT of hard work. I gave up at a younger age, and now it's time to start again.

Previous failures make this idea of social interaction more daunting to me. That brings me to another takeaway.

Having courageous faith gives us hope to see beyond past disappointments. 

God has shown me over the last couple of months that there is a reason why I have autism. I became emotional when writing this, but there are people who's lives I have impacted. These people were up front about that. I've heard stories of other people's lives being impacted by people with autism as well. I'm not being punished.

There are lies that keep coming into my head telling me that I will never be able to do anything signficant with my life. Looking back on my accomplishments, I am actually ahead of a lot of my peers. At the age of 18, I found a sustainable career working for an airline, which was actually my dream job as well. I completed my Freshman year of college. I am camp counselor at a camp designed for normal people. I am finally involved in ministry.

Having autism doesn't make me a slow person. Heck, it has so many advantages. Having limited interests means that I can truly maximize my productivity in areas that I am passionate about. I can build real friendships that are build around love, trust, and loyalty. I am actually very strong in the realm of public speaking. I love to write and have been told by many that I am good at it.

On June 16, 2018, I was finally able to not only accept who I am, but say "I am autistic, and I am thankful such a blessing". I am proud to be autistic.  

My experience with Asperger's Syndrome and Friendship

Preface: The purpose of this article is quite simple. In my last post, I talked briefly about the misconception that people with Asperger's Syndrome are typically introverted and have no desire whatsoever to interact with people. This is false. In this article I am going to share about the relationships that I have built. 

First of all, let me start by saying the same thing I say every time. Asperger's Syndrome is defined as a developmental disorder related to autism and characterized by higher than average intellectual ability coupled with impaired social skills and restrictive, repetitive patterns of interest and activities. You'll notice that I highlighted impaired social skills. This is because it actually gives me an unexpected advantage with it comes to relationships.

Why is this advantageous? Lacking social skills generally turns people away from you. But then there are those who take the opportunity to get to know you. This means that I have the uncommon ability to make friendships that are built around love, trust, and loyalty. Some of the relationships that I have built over the last several months have proven to not only be meaningful but also beneficial. Like I have said in the previous posts, I went through some difficult times over the last semester. If it wasn't for the love and support I got from these friends, I have no clue where I would be.

Yes, I am finally taking Houston

Most of these relationships began in Texas of all places. Over spring break, I got the opportunity to travel with one of Lancaster Bible College's journey teams to the Houston Area. We traveled to volunteer with an organization called Samaritan's Purse. Little fun fact about this organization, it is headed by Franklin Graham... son of Billy Graham.

This trip would be the trip of a lifetime. It wasn't a vacation. It wasn't a time filled with relaxation and luxury. It was a trip that brought me closer to God as well as to some pretty amazing people.

You see, when you build a house together, you build a unique connection. You get some time to really get to know each other. That would generally make someone like myself kinda nervous, because past experiences would say that at least half of these people would tease me and pick on me because I was different. You can probably imagine my surprise then when I came out of this trip with a "squad". I don't call it that.. they do.

Since meeting these people in Texas, I have always had people to lean on. In fact.. for the first time in my life, one of these people said to me that they would be their for me... no matter what. Of course friendships come and go, but that doesn't make that statement any less significant.

The only downside to all this is that having a social disorder can cause me to make some mistakes. I've lost friends due to a lack of social awareness in some cases, but that only makes the ones that I still have more special to me. You see, a common misconception about people with Asperger's Syndrome is that they don't want to interact with people. In reality however, we just don't know the best ways to do so. Even with my closest friends I have had some awkward moments. But what is so amazing about these people is that instead of distancing themselves or making fun of me, they helped me through those moments.

So you have a friend with Asperger's Syndrome

Preface: The intention of this post is to provide some background information about what it is like to go through life with Asperger's Syndrome, speaking both with facts, and my own personal experiences. Through reading this, my hope is that you find yourself better equipped to love and support your friend with Asperger's syndrome, or any other Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD). 

There are many day to day challenges that people like myself are faced with. They change as we grow older and as the people around us change. The challenges are more obvious in grade school than they are later in life. If you have a friend that you care about who has Asperger's Syndrome or another form of ASD, chances are they have been through a lot in life.

One of the biggest challenges that face people like myself come from social situations. While a neurotypical person develops social skills naturally by watching people around them, someone with Asperger's Syndrome lacks the ability to do so. For us, it requires some training, and a lot of hard work. A common misconception about people with Aspergers is that we are introverted and have no desire whatsoever to interact with people. This however is actually far from the truth. Many people with Aspergers including myself have a deep desire to build relationships with people but aren't quite sure how to. Sometimes previous failures make us fearful of trying.

Because of our lack of ability to develop social skills naturally, we become very easy targets for bullying. I experienced a lot of teasing as a result of personality traits that I did not have control over. Even in college I have been treated differently because of this. However, me talking about my own experiences doesn't present the bigger picture of a much more serious problem.

When it comes to bullying, people on the ASD are no strangers. In fact, In a study conducted by Autism Speaks that included 1,167 children aged 6-15, 63% reported they had been bullied at some point in their lives. Bullying of course includes a variety of things including your typical teasing up to physical and sometimes even sexual abuse. Because of our lack of natural social skills, we are often targeted for bullying.

In a study conducted by the National Autism Association that was conducted in 2009, it was found that...

1. 65% of parents with children who have Asperger's Syndrome indicated that their child had been victimized by peers in at least one way in the last year
2. 47% of parents indicated that their child had been physically hit by peers or siblings
3. 50% were reported to be fearful of their peers
4. 9% were attacked by gangs and physically harmed in private areas
5. 12% reported their child had never been invited to a birthday party
6. 6% reported consistently being chosen last for teams
7. 3% reported eating lunch alone on a daily basis. 

In my own experience, I have in some ways been victimized by peers. It isn't always the intention of a peer to victimize or discriminate against someone like myself with AS. This has happened to me throughout my life, even in college. In fact, at the end of my freshman year, I experienced a situation in which I was treated like a freak, both by someone who was a close friend and the school I attend. The situation left me fearful of my peers, including those that I was close to and stood behind me as I dealt with this situation. 

Asperger's Syndrome is defined as a developmental disorder related to autism and characterized by higher than average intellectual ability coupled with impaired social skills and restrictive, repetitive patterns of interest or activities. When it comes to these interests, if they aren't interests that are shared with others, they are often discouraged and quashed as quickly as possible. This happened to me throughout grade school. I have a very significant interest in commercial aviation. However, because it wasn't a common interest, it was often discouraged. If only the thousands of pilots in the sky, flight attendants, business executives knew. 

I'm sure reading all of this you are probably thinking.. What can I do to support my friend with Asperger's Syndrome?

First of all, I owe it to my friends for sticking beside me no matter what. If it weren't for the love and support that I got from my friends, I am not sure where I would be. That isn't to say that they haven't made mistakes, and that isn't to say I haven't made mistakes either. There are a few things that you need to know though to be the best friend and ally that you can be, that is if you actually care about that person. 

First of all, make it known to them that you care about them, and that you are there for them no matter what. Because social skills don't come naturally to us, be warned that we might say or do some unusual things. When this happens, be honest. The worst thing that you could do is distance yourself because this person isn't what you call "normal" (what does that even mean, anyway). 

Also, be aware that prior bullying might make it more difficult for them to trust you. It isn't uncommon for people to create conditional friendships to control people on the autism spectrum. It has happened to me, and it has happened to others as well. Always be ready to stand up for them. They will stand up for you as well. 

And most importantly, provided that the interests aren't inappropriate or harmful, encourage them rather than quash them. This is especially true in college. You typically attend college to study a field that interests you, so to discourage someone for their interests that they have come to study would be kind of counterproductive. These repetitive interests and behaviors might at first glance seem wrong and unhelpful, but actually prove later in life to be very advantageous. 

Hopefully by reading this blog post, you have gained a better understanding of what it is like to live life with a social disorder that makes you a target, and how you can love and support friends who have this disorder.