Introduction
My feelings about singleness are no secret to those who have read some of my previous blog posts. It is well known in the Christian community that marriage is a beautiful thing. However the church has also done a fantastic job of elevating marriage to the degree in which singleness, or more specifically biblical singleness is inadvertently made to look like a negative thing. Now, I will be honest and say that I used to believe that getting married would solve all my problems, and that I would feel content. I also used to believe that the goal of the Christian life is to get married and have kids. Of course even still I desire marriage in my life, and to someday be a Father. Alas that is not my present circumstance.
With that in mind, I recently had the pleasure of reading Sam Allberry’s 7 Myths about Singleness. The book is exactly as it sounds, addressing seven different myths that the church as a whole is sometimes lead to believe about singleness. Based on my own experiences, and even some of the external pressures to date and get married, it is clear that singleness is one of the most misunderstood things. I want to address five of these myths and provide some of my own insight based on personal experience and my view of the Apostle Paul’s words regarding the matter.
1- Singleness is Too Hard
There appears to be a common idea that marriage is easier than singleness. This of course is one of the reasons I grew up believing that getting married would solve all my problems. Now, make no mistake, singleness is hard, but no harder than marriage. In fact there is a greater complexity to being married than to being single. As Allberry puts it, “The contrast is between complexity and simplicity. Married life is more complicated; singleness is more straightforward.” Off the bat I want to clarify something. Allberry isn’t alluding to the freedom of doing whatever one pleases when they are single. Rather, he is alluding to what Paul has to say in 1 Corinthians 7:32-34, in which he mentions that the unmarried man is anxious about the things of the Lord, but the married man’s interests are divided in the things of the Lord and how to please his wife.
The truth is that both singleness and marriage are good gifts from God. However each does have its own unique ups and downs. As Allberry puts it though, “The temptation for many who are single is to compare the downs of singleness with the ups of marriage. And the temptation for some married people is to compare the downs of marriage with the ups of singleness, which is equally dangerous (Allberry 33).” Now I myself am guilty of this. I see a married couple and immediately think about how they always have a companion, someone to come home to every day. I also frequently compare my own life to the lives that people display on social media. In reality, we always put forth our best foot on social media, and never reveal our true authentic selves. As for the married person, they may look at the upsides of singleness particular during times of great stress, when they have to take into consideration someone else when making a big decision. Overall, both marriage and singleness have their unique challenges, but truthfully neither is harder than the other when all things are considered, though there is the matter of as Allberry puts it, complexity vs. simplicity.
2 - Singleness Requires a Special Calling
This is a myth that I believed for a very long time. However, Paul never actually states this. You may recall my response to Jonathan Pokluda’s Outdated. Something that he mentions is that everyone who is single in this moment has the gift of singleness. The gift of singleness may be temporary, or it may be lifelong. However, under no circumstance is it a season of waiting for something better. In fact I would hardly call it a season of waiting at all. The truth is, your life does not begin when you finally get married and have kids. Your life started the day you were born. Opportunities exist all around you to advance the Kingdom, and pour into the lives of others. “Gifts are about building up the church rather than feeling a sense of individual, personal fulfillment. It is about serving others and not about feeling a special sense of peace (Allberry 45).”
The gift of singleness isn’t reserved for the superhero who can bear the brunt of being alone. That type of life isn’t meant for any of us. The whole reason that Eve was created was because it was not good for man to be alone. This statement doesn’t say its not good for man to be unmarried. Outside ourselves community is of vital importance. Even for the introvert, some level of social interaction and connection is vital. Even the married person will someday once again experience singleness but will find they are not alone.
3 - Singleness Means No Intimacy
I want to start by saying that contrary to popular belief, intimacy and sex are not synonyms. One can easily exist without the other. The concept of friendship has become severely watered down, especially with the rise of social media. We now view friends as people we connect to on Facebook who can see our pages to keep up with our lives. But the truth is, a real friendship has an extremely deep level of intimacy, greater than that even of family. For the friend doesn’t have any obligation to the other person, but chooses to build the connection. I think of my best friends, Kate and Marissa. Young women I am so close to that I really do call my sisters, and they call me their brother. To me, they live out the Proverb, “A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother (Proverbs 18:24 ESV).” Furthermore these two have been by my side even during the lowest points of my life. “Wealth brings many new friends, but a poor man is deserted by his friend (Proverbs 19:4).” They know me better than anybody in my family does. They might as well themselves be Halls. This is what intimacy actually looks like.
Though godly singleness means to live a life of celibacy, it does not mean to live without intimacy (Allberry 54). Sex can exist without intimacy. One of my favorite tv characters is Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother. Barney is notorious for sleeping all over New York City. Each of these are examples of sex without intimacy. In this case, it’s just a physical activity. Tinder exists for this very thing, relatively anonymous sex. This has no intimacy. Of course there is a certain level of depth to the intimacy that a married person experiences with their spouse, but there is a breadth to the intimacy that a single person experiences with their friends.
4 - Singleness Means No Family
I mentioned in my introduction that I desire to someday become a father and have kids of my own. But even in singleness, you do in fact have a family. This family may not be biological in nature. I’m referring to the family of believers that surround you. I want to refer to the words of Jesus, referring to Peter’s statement about everything he and his fellow disciples had left behind. “Truly I say to you, there is no one who has left house or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or lands, for my sake and for the gospel, who will not receive a hundredfold now in this time, houses and brothers and sisters and mothers and children and lands, with persecutions and in the age to come eternal life (Mark 10:28-30 ESV).” Now in the case of Jesus’ disciples, the cost of their discipleship was being shunned from their families, though they obtained new brothers and sisters and mothers through their fellowship. I personally know people who have had to leave their families after making the decision to follow Christ. But even in the present life, they do have a spiritual family. “Whatever the cost of our discipleship may incur, however much family we may lose in the course of following Christ, Jesus is saying that even in this life it will be worth it. Following him means an abundance of spiritual family. Nature may have given us only one mother and one father; the gospel gives us far more (Allberry 77).”
This may all sound great but it is rather unfortunate how rarely this is put into practice. Presently we all, including myself, value our privacy. Many are focused so much on their nuclear families are close off their lives to everyone else. And yet, this is contrary to what is commanded of us. Paul says to Timothy, “Do not rebuke an older man but encourage him as you would a father, younger men as brothers, older women as mothers, younger women as sisters, in all purity (1 Timothy 5:1-2).” Allberry takes great interest in the way that this is worded. “He [Timothy] is to not just treat them as family but as close family. Paul doesn’t say “treat older men as great-uncles, or, younger men as distant cousins.” They’re not distant family, but immediate family (Allberry 79).” I want to remind everyone reading this that being a Christian isn’t about going to church on Sundays. It’s about choosing to lay your life down to follow Christ, and allowing yourself to become sanctified through that. Your outward expression toward your spiritual family should reflect this sanctification, but in an age where we are always “busy” we fail at this, myself included. We choose convenience over our greater spiritual family.
5 - Singleness is Easy
The first myth that I highlighted is that singleness is too hard. But I also want to point out that this doesn’t mean that singleness is easy. Marriage and Singleness both present their own unique challenges. When it comes to singleness, one challenge that Allberry highlights is how others perceive us as a result of our singleness. This is less of an issue for young adults who are single and more so older adults who are single. Based on examples from his own life, Allberry states “remaining unmarried can alter how others perceive our maturity, and we feel the pain of that perception (Allberry 148).” I remember going into college and my parents telling me that I would find the one there. I remember the joke that most women go to school for their Mrs. degree. This of course creates unrealistic expectations. In my case, as I got further into my college career, still single and having been rejected for the umpteenth time, I started to think that I was doing something wrong, that I was somehow failing at college. It did not help that I went to a small Christian college where the dating culture elevated marriage to an extreme.
The other big challenge with singleness is that as your friends start to get married, or even into relationships, your friendship with them starts to change. I have seen this in my own life. Watching a friend get married sometimes feels like you’re losing the friend. I remember when Kate told me that her current boyfriend had asked to her be his girlfriend. Of course I was happy for her, but at the same time, I felt a sense of bereavement. This would mean I would get to see her less, would hear from her less. It almost felt like I was losing one of my closest friends altogether. This is something that Allberry has experienced as well. Other close single friends of mine have experienced this. We find that we start to be primarily the only ones who take initiative in our relationships. It makes us feel as though our married friends really no longer need us. For me, sometimes I feel like my married friends, or my friends who are now in relationships don’t want me to be a part of their lives anymore. I would argue however, that married couples still need single people in their lives and would encourage married couples to continue to reach out to their single friends, welcome them into their homes and their lives. Treat them the way that Paul commands Timothy to treat his spiritual brothers and sisters.
Conclusion
Throughout the last few days, spending time reading this, as well as various scriptures regarding singleness, marriage and contentment I have come to the following three conclusions, which can also be viewed as applications.
1. Singleness, even if only temporary is not a season of waiting. It’s not a period of waiting for something better. It’s a good gift from God
2. Singleness is not a gift that only a few have that can somehow “bear the hardships” of singleness. Everyone who is single at this moment, presently has the good gift of singleness.
3. Nobody should seek to find contentment in singleness, we should seek to find contentment in Christ being enough for us, for this must remain true regardless of our circumstances.
I want to close this out by reminding you that life is hard and is filled with uncertainty. For the single person this may present itself as they think about the future, especially as they age. But for the married person, circumstances can also change in an instant. The spouse could be killed in an accident, a child diagnosed with a life altering disability, or a job loss. Marriage is also a beautiful thing and should not be discouraged. But we also need to do a better job of not idolizing it. We as the church need to do a better job for our single brethren.
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