Outdated by Jonathan Pokluda

Note: Because I listened to this book as an Audiobook I will not be able to provide specific pages in this review and discussion, but will do my best to provide chapters. 

Singleness and Dating is not a new concept on this blog by any means. I've written about the struggles of trying to date while on the spectrum and having no success. I've written about the hurt that I feel that I am still single despite the fact that many people my age are in relationships or have been in relationships. And I have also feared the "spiritual gift" of singleness being in store for me. Since my first blog post about my life on the spectrum, I've grown a lot and gained a lot of new perspectives. I've also been able to do a lot of new things as a result of my lack of a romantic relationship, in part because I have a lot more time to devote to other people and interests. A close friend of mine, whom I have also mentioned in my blog recently shared a book with me called 'Outdated,' which I have been using some my reserve time to listen to. To summarize my feelings about this book, I thought it offered some really interesting points that many, including myself really need to ponder on. 

It is no secret that Hollywood loves to produce love stories. Furthermore, it is not even remotely a secret that I am a sucker for Disney movies. With that being said, these movies are written through the lense of a different worldview than what we should be looking to for dating advice. I myself am guilty of this. In fact, for a very long time, I found myself longing for my 'Happily Ever After.' But Pokluda pointed out something rather peculiar. How many fairytales that end in a 'Happily Ever After' wind up being remade instead of having sequels? Aside from Shrek, I can name quite a few. Beauty and the Beast was remade from the animated version to one featuring Emma Watson (who I still cannot see as anybody other than Hermione Granger). There was no sequel. Cinderella was remade from the animated version to one featuring Lily James. There was no sequel. Rapunzel saw her 'Happily Ever After' in "Tangled" 12 years ago and yet there have been no rumors of a remake. And even with movies that do have a sequel, like Shrek for example barely includes the romance as part of even a 'B' story. 

I bring this up to make it clear, I do not believe that happily ever afters exist in the real world. Marriage is not easy. If it was, divorce would be a very rare occurrence. In our broken world, there are so many reasons that so many marriages end in divorce, or wind up being extremely broken, even in communities of believers. I'm going to highlight a couple of the points that Pokluda mentions in his book 'Outdated' while also interjecting with some of my own thoughts. But the biggest point of all, is that so many marriages fail because they do not reflect God's design for them. The reasons many people choose to marry a certain someone is for reasons influenced by the world, by culture, rather than for reasons that will last much longer. 

Singleness

The first point that I want to highlight from 'Outdated' is actually not about dating at all, but rather singleness. I want to point out that one of the most important figures in the bible, the Apostle Paul was single. And he even addresses this in 1 Corinthians 7 where he states "Now as a concession, not a command, I say this. I wish that all were as I myself am. But each has his own gift from God, one of one kind and one of another." (ESV). Now in this verse, Paul is speaking of his singleness as a spiritual gift, and Pokluda highlights this in two different ways. He highlights lifelong singleness as the spiritual gift, but also a season of singleness as a spiritual gift. He calls the idea that singleness being a period of waiting for something better a lie. And I used to think this of the season of singleness myself. You see, Pokluda is a pastor. But he is also married and has children. Because of this, his attention and time is split between his marriage and his congregation. But the single man has all his time to devote to the things that bring glory to God, whether this be through direct ministry in a church or even in the workplace. 

A good friend of mine has an uncle who attends my old church. He is in his 50s and is still single. Now one might pity him, but in reality, he is happy, and I would strongly consider him a Godly man. His entire life is dedicated to child evangelism. Bringing Children to Jesus. What an amazing life that must be! That on a regular basis, you get to see a child, with childlike wonder, turn their eyes and curiosity to Jesus. Despite the fact that the single person has more time and energy to devote to ministry, we rarely see single pastors in the protestant church. In fact, in many cases, you rarely see single people as leaders in the church. I believe this has part to do with the cultural belief that the single person is incomplete. This attitude is influenced by the worldly idea of a spouse being somebody's "other half." Now I have despised that saying for a while now, because to me the idea of not being complete until you are married is absurd. Why would you marry somebody who is incomplete? Why would you marry someone if you were incomplete? To me that is just asking for trouble. The reality is, that the single life, whether it be for but a season, or for life, is a spiritual gift, and the perfect opportunity to invest into others, and into the church as a whole. How this looks in practice will vary from person to person. 

"Physical Qualities don't last, but you can look for character that will."

The second point I want to highlight has to do with physical attraction. The lie that Pokluda points out is that physical attraction is ultimate. However, how many of us would consider an elderly person truly attractive? The reality is, that our bodies change as we get older. In fact, this is something that is even pointed out in Proverbs 31:30 as Pokluda points out "Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised." In fact Proverbs 31:10-30 really highlights this. Many people will choose to date because of physical attraction. But the reality of this is, as we get older, our beauty begins to fade. This isn't specific to women but also men. A relationship that is built on the foundation of physical attraction is guaranteed to fail. But a relationship that is built on the foundation of character, of a fear of the Lord that is reflected in that character, will succeed in the long term. 

A conversation that Pokluda often has with young adults involves women who say they are never asked out on a date, and men who say women always say no. While I have never spoken to Pokluda, I have certainly found myself in this category. But here's the thing... most women I have asked out have been based on physical attraction and not so much on character. This was a less mature version of myself. In fact the first woman I ever actually told how I felt, shot me down really hard. I've written about that in earlier blog posts. We've become really close friends since then, and if I knew what I knew now, I would have asked her out at the time based on her character, rather than her physical appearance. But the same can be said about myself. While I wouldn't consider myself to be especially attractive, I am not so much focused on my physical appearance but more so how I treat others. I also try regularly but fail to be consistent in my walk with Jesus. But with all that rejection and the hurt that comes with it, a new question arises... do I really want to be sad about somebody who rejected me on the base of physical appearance? I am finding now that the answer is absolutely not, because that relationship was destined to fail from the very beginning. 

Pokluda also makes a really great point. When talking about sex and physical attraction, we often hear people discussing how important physical attraction is... but why is this so important when it comes to an activity that is usually done with the lights off? My mind was blown as soon as he made that point. It's actually quite comical how big of a deal is made over physical attraction. Unrealistic expectations are born out of this, and can result in men and women who would actually make incredible spouses being overlooked because they aren't seen as physically attractive enough. 

Finding the ONE

How many have heard of the idea of finding the 'one.' The one who is absolutely perfect for you, checks all your boxes. Now... married folks, how many of you have actually found that? Pokluda and I are in the same school of though that the one doesn't actually exist. In fact, Pokluda even admits that there are other women who are probably better for him than his wife and vice versa. But this alludes to the fact, that his wife is the woman he has committed himself to. I used to have a list of things I was looking for in a woman. Blonde hair, blue eyes, cute smile was only slightly different from me in height, and was NOT on the spectrum. But these expectations were based on worldly ideas. These traits have nothing to do with character. And like I mentioned in the last point, physical qualities are only temporary, but character is something that can even improve over time. 

How many years have we all wasted on trying to find the perfect person? The truth is, every year we spend trying to find that is a wasted year. There is no such thing as the perfect person. In fact, just like when it comes to physical attraction, so many people who would actually make amazing spouses get overlooked. The only perfect one is Jesus. The rest of us... not so much. But this is something perpetuated constantly in our culture, from romantic comedies to fairytales to books and beyond. The "one" ultimately is the person you choose to commit to for the rest of your life. Not that perfect long, blonde and handsome that doesn't exist. 

Why we date

The last point I want to highlight in this review and discussion is the purpose of dating. Now Pokluda points out that the idea of dating is actually relatively new, however the reason we choose to date will have a major impact on the outcome. The lie he points out is that dating is supposed to be fun. And this is something we see all the time. Many people I know had their first relationship in middle school. But here's the thing... if we are dating for fun, that relationship isn't going to last, and we are going to get hurt, and we are going to wind up hurting someone else. Let's be realistic... how many middle schoolers who are going on dates are thinking of marrying the person they are with? The answer is probably very few. How many of these couples wind up getting married? Again... the answer is probably very few. Dating for fun, or for the sake of dating will almost always result in failure, and unnecessary pain for everyone involved. 

What Pokluda points out is that the purpose of dating should be to determine if the person you are dating is someone you would actually be comfortable and willing to commit to for the rest of your life. If you are finding that this person you are with may not make for a good spouse, at least for you, don't waste any more of your time or theirs. In that instance, the longer you put off the inevitable, the worse its going to be. It's just like when we were all kids and we ran away from our parents to avoid punishment. The reality is... it just always made it worse. Likewise, when running away from reality when it comes to relationships that really don't have a leg to stand on anymore, just makes it worse in the end. 

In conclusion, dating in the modern era is significantly influenced by popular culture. Because of this, so many people, Christian and Non-Christian struggle immensely in the dating field. There is a lot more hurt and tears than there really needs to be. When the focus isn't so much on the physical, but more so what is inside, who the person actually is, there's a greater recipe for success. When we choose not to set our expectations on love based on movies and culture, we set ourselves up for better results. We recognize that even when we do get married, the race is far from over, because it takes an incredible about of work to maintain a relationship. And with that in mind, when you marry someone for all the wrong reasons, whether that be physical attraction or having a bunch of things in common with you... when you both get older, there will be nothing left. But when you marry someone for the right reasons, who they are, what Christ means to them, as you age, your character continues to develop. Results of course will vary based on what happens in your lives, but success comes from doing what's hard, not what is easy.