Preface: I have come across a number of people within the church who firmly believe that anxiety, or more specifically in my own case an anxiety disorder, is merely the result of a lack of faith, or a spiritual failure. I recently stumbled across an article on the Focus on the Family website that addresses this issue, and I am very thankful that I did. I will be sharing my story regarding my battle with depression and my attempted suicide.
First and foremost, it should be noted that just because someone is a believer does not mean that they are immune to anxiety. There are a number of things that may cause anxiety. For instance, the underlying cause of my anxiety disorder is my Asperger's Syndrome. I have spoken much about my ASD but haven't spoken much about my anxiety.
Another thing that goes hand in hand with anxiety is depression. Again, just because someone is a believer does not make them immune to this. It also should be noted that depression is not always an attack from Satan, and that it can always be solved by getting closer to God. I have been disgusted time and time again by the incredibly ignorant notion that someone who is battling depression is only facing that battle because their faith isn't strong enough.
Before I share my personal story, I have this to offer. There are many people within the church who are battling depression and anxiety. As mentioned by Focus on the Family, some people who are facing these battles will only seek help if they are encouraged to. This is because of the ignorant notions which result in the fear that seeking help is a sign of weakness. This is far from the truth. The real truth is that seeking help is a sign of strength.
As I have previously stated, 2018 was a very challenging year for me. I went through a number of challenging events and found myself in some very difficult seasons. I have previously spoken of betrayal. Things were made more difficult by the loss of Joseph Masi over the summer. Joey was one of my closest friends at Lancaster Bible College. Things were made even more difficult with events going on at home.
Immediately following the experience of betrayal I began to experience depression more ferociously. This was also coupled with anxiety. Seeking help was very difficult because as I previously stated there are negative connotations within the church, which needs to change. I went through the majority of the year in silence. I eventually did seek some counsel toward the end of the summer, but again was too afraid to fully speak my mind for fear of judgement.
I entered my sophomore year of college fighting this battle. The stress of school only added to my anxiety, and I continued to be silent about my struggles. Things evolved to a point where I began to plan my suicide. In my lifetime I have never experienced something more surreal than deciding the date that I was going to die, November 25, 2018. I was stopped in my tracks by a voice as I began the trek toward the place I was going to end my life. This voice turned me around and guided me to the shower, where I sat and cried for several hours. I do not doubt for a second that this was the voice of God. I eventually reached out for help, and surrounded myself with my closest friends.
The road to recovery has not been easy, and has been riddled with bumps. However, I am certainly grateful for the people who surrounded me as I fought this battle. Life is very different for me than it was just a month ago.
My hope in sharing this story is twofold. First and foremost, I want to challenge everyone who believes that depression is the result of a lack of faith to read through the book of Job. Secondly, I want to speak to those who are currently battling depression. This is what I have to say. Light can be found even in the darkest of places. This quote was famously spoken by Albus Dumbledore from the Harry Potter series. This is a statement that is full of truth. If you are experiencing depression and/or anxiety or thoughts of suicide, I want to encourage you to reach out. No matter how much darkness surrounds you, it does not have to be the end.
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