An open letter to singleness

A Quick Background

Fall and Spring are two big seasons for romance. A lot of new relationships form in the fall, and a lot of marriage proposals happen in the spring. This is especially true when you are like me and made the mistake of attending a bible college. THERE IS A REASON BIBLE COLLEGES HAVE A REPUTATION FOR HAVING A RING BY SPRING ATTITUDE, but I digress. What I do want to say before you read this letter, is that these two seasons can be very challenging for the single folk. It's not hard to feel forgotten when all the new relationships begin and sometimes you really do feel alone. Don't get me wrong, there are so many benefits to being single, but there are also drawbacks.

One more thing.... when you are in a relationship and you are talking to a single friend who is down on their relationship status, don't tell them they aren't missing out on much. Everyone knows that is complete and utter bullcrap and does more harm than good. On the other hand, single people are 100% less likely to get broken up with than individuals in relationships. Without further ado, my open letter to singleness.

An open letter to singleness

Oh Singleness, 

You have a way of keeping life interesting. Some days I just adore you and never want you to leave. Other days, well lets just say I want to shove you into a box and send you down the river. 

Thanks to you, I can binge watch an entire season of Stranger Things on Netflix without having to wait for a significant other. Thanks to you, I have nobody to binge watch Stranger Things with while cozy on a couch with a significant other who may or may not be more enthralled by the story of Jane. 

Thanks to you, I am able to focus on maintaining some of the most important relationships in my life. Thanks to you, I lack a truly intimate relationship with someone who knows me on a deeper level than my closest friends. 

What a double edged sword you are. Thanks to you, I can follow my passions without taking someone else’s life into consideration. I can go anywhere I want, whenever I want. Unfortunately because of you, I haven’t got a partner to share my passions with. I can ride whatever I want to ride at the amusement park, but I might as well wear a shirt that says ‘single rider’. 

You are very friendly to animals. I don’t have to spring into action ready to kill something at the sound of a scream. Instead, I can marvel at the fascinating creatures I find in my bathroom! Whenever we go to the Zoo, we just love to check out the snakes, and we even secretly hope there’s a tarantula we can play with! If it weren’t for you, I would have no idea that tarantulas found in the United States don’t actually rely on their fangs for defense against predators. Who knew?

You’re my best friend in the summertime, but my mortal enemy in the winter. We just love riding all the rides at the park and marveling at the fireworks on July 4. When the holidays come however, you just have a way of bringing me down. We look at all the couples together during the holidays and we wonder what it’d be like to be able to ring in the new year with someone special? What would it be like to watch Christmas movies cuddled up on a warm couch with some fresh hot cocoa? 

There are days where you have me pinned down. There are days where I have you pinned down. Here’s to hoping one of these days we finally break up. Sometimes we get along, sometimes I just wanna grab you by the neck and squeeze. Love or hate each other though, I’m stuck with you for now. 

Signed, 

The one signing Backstreet Boys with Jake Peralta

What is it like to be "different" in 2019?

Autism is something that has become more prevalent in our society over the last 10 to 15 years. Growing up with any autism spectrum disorder can be very difficult for several reasons. First, many of us on the spectrum face discrimination at one point or another. In grade school this might be exclusion from normal activities because of social differences or challenges, it may be emotional, mental, and sometimes physical abuse from classmates and teachers, and it can even come from impatient parents.

I want to get to the root of this before moving on. Typically the way that autism is explained to neurotypical children is that it it means that they might be different in some ways. When it comes to social norms, this is a pretty accurate statement. However, it leads me to ask this question. Are we really "different?" In my humble opinion, there are over 8 billion people on this planet, and no two people are exactly alike, so what exactly is different? We often define different as something that opposes the social norms that we are used to seeing.

Many of the messages that we receive growing up are messages that say that we need to conform to social norms. That we are broken people and that we need to be fixed. For the longest time I have believed that to be true, but through professional work experience and time at college, I have found that this really isn't the full truth, especially in the present day. I often speak out against a lot of the inclusion stuff because it really isn't as beneficial as people make it out to be. For example, consolidating all autism-like disorders into one umbrella does not benefit people like myself with Asperger's Syndrome, or those diagnosed with Pervasive Developmental Disorder-Not Otherwise Specified, because we all have unique needs that don't quite fall under the needs of people with classic autism.

That being said, there are some benefits when it comes to a societal point. As an adult I have felt much less excluded in the things that I do, than I did growing up. One point I have made is that one goes to college to pursue a passion. I have made absolutely no strides to conform to the social norms at Lancaster Bible College, and have been successful 99% of the time. I make mistakes, I run into conflicts, but in the end, being unique is ultimately better than conformity. I have interests that I speak a lot about. Many people who know me know I love airplanes. My father is a military pilot and has been for most of my life. I talk about it a lot, to the point where I probably do annoy some people. However I have found that while growing people up have said I should try to talk about things other people like, I have not taken that advice to heed, and it landed me my dream job with United Airlines.

Success used to be defined by people who attain high paying jobs by fitting into the social norms that society has laid out. In the present day however, having an autism spectrum disorder puts me at a unique advantage. The most successful people in large technology firms such as Apple, Google, Motorola etc... are those with autism spectrum disorders. These firms actively seek to employ people with these disorders because it provides a very significant competitive advantage to these organizations. For starters, people with Asperger's Syndrome tend to be very detail oriented. This means that when someone with Asperger's is looking over something, they will notice the smallest details, and sometimes, it is the smallest details that end up mattering the most.

This attention to detail aspect for me has led to success in both the airline industry as well as the private security sector. Previously I held a job as a Security Professional with Allied Universal, and found that I ended up fitting in very quickly because I tended to notice some of the smallest things that would turn into some very big problems if they weren't addressed while they were still small problems. Today, I am a Public Safety Officer at Lancaster Bible College and have been commended on a regular basis for my attention to detail and the things that I catch while on duty.

When it comes to friendships, things are certainly quite interesting. One of the biggest misconceptions is that people on the autism spectrum simply lack a desire to seek out friendships. This is a very ignorant statement and must be quashed when spoken, because it is the complete opposite of the truth. The real truth is that many people on the spectrum find it very difficult to make friends naturally. I have certainly been blessed with some amazing friends that I have spoken about quite a bit. Do I make mistakes that causes tension? ABSOLUTELY. Do they make mistakes that cause tension? Once again... ABSOLUTELY. But here's where things become more special. When one of us or both of us make a mistake, we talk about it. I never intend to hurt anyone, but sometimes I do so inadvertently. Here is what I love about my friends so much. When I do inadvertently hurt one of them, and I ask them about it, they are honest, and they are willing to talk about it in ways that help me understand exactly why what I said or did hurt them the way it did.

The biggest wall I face now though is romance. I will be 21 in less than 2 months, and have yet to have my first girlfriend. The idea of dating gives me great anxiety because while people have come to me for relationship advice, I speak only based on observation. I don't necessarily fear rejection, I honestly fear that moment when a girl says "I like you too". First of all I have absolutely no clue where go from there, but second of all, I also fear that I am going to cause a lot of problems in my relationship because of the things that I simply do not understand. With that, singleness is the season that I am in right now, and while I embrace it the majority of the time, the spring has a tendency to be the hardest on me. This is the time when everyone appears to be getting engaged or entering into romantic relationships, and this time of year I am constantly reminded of my singleness. A wise woman said to me that "Single now is not single forever". I often fear that God has decided that I am to live a life of singleness. Even though I trust that whatever God does in my life will be good, the thought of being single for the rest of my life is devastating.

People on the autism spectrum have all types of barriers to overcome. I spoke about each and every one of them. At the end of the day though, when it comes to neurodiversity, nobody is superior to anyone else. We each have our own abilities and in 2019, having unique abilities is one of the biggest advantages you can have over everyone else. Being different in 2019 is kinda awesome.

Confronting Depression and Anxiety: My Story

Preface: I have come across a number of people within the church who firmly believe that anxiety, or more specifically in my own case an anxiety disorder, is merely the result of a lack of faith, or a spiritual failure. I recently stumbled across an article on the Focus on the Family website that addresses this issue, and I am very thankful that I did. I will be sharing my story regarding my battle with depression and my attempted suicide. 

First and foremost, it should be noted that just because someone is a believer does not mean that they are immune to anxiety. There are a number of things that may cause anxiety. For instance, the underlying cause of my anxiety disorder is my Asperger's Syndrome. I have spoken much about my ASD but haven't spoken much about my anxiety.

Another thing that goes hand in hand with anxiety is depression. Again, just because someone is a believer does not make them immune to this. It also should be noted that depression is not always an attack from Satan, and that it can always be solved by getting closer to God. I have been disgusted time and time again by the incredibly ignorant notion that someone who is battling depression is only facing that battle because their faith isn't strong enough.

Before I share my personal story, I have this to offer. There are many people within the church who are battling depression and anxiety. As mentioned by Focus on the Family, some people who are facing these battles will only seek help if they are encouraged to. This is because of the ignorant notions which result in the fear that seeking help is a sign of weakness. This is far from the truth. The real truth is that seeking help is a sign of strength.

As I have previously stated, 2018 was a very challenging year for me. I went through a number of challenging events and found myself in some very difficult seasons. I have previously spoken of betrayal. Things were made more difficult by the loss of Joseph Masi over the summer. Joey was one of my closest friends at Lancaster Bible College. Things were made even more difficult with events going on at home.

Immediately following the experience of betrayal I began to experience depression more ferociously. This was also coupled with anxiety. Seeking help was very difficult because as I previously stated there are negative connotations within the church, which needs to change. I went through the majority of the year in silence. I eventually did seek some counsel toward the end of the summer, but again was too afraid to fully speak my mind for fear of judgement.

I entered my sophomore year of college fighting this battle. The stress of school only added to my anxiety, and I continued to be silent about my struggles. Things evolved to a point where I began to plan my suicide. In my lifetime I have never experienced something more surreal than deciding the date that I was going to die, November 25, 2018. I was stopped in my tracks by a voice as I began the trek toward the place I was going to end my life. This voice turned me around and guided me to the shower, where I sat and cried for several hours. I do not doubt for a second that this was the voice of God. I eventually reached out for help, and surrounded myself with my closest friends.

The road to recovery has not been easy, and has been riddled with bumps. However, I am certainly grateful for the people who surrounded me as I fought this battle. Life is very different for me than it was just a month ago.

My hope in sharing this story is twofold. First and foremost, I want to challenge everyone who believes that depression is the result of a lack of faith to read through the book of Job. Secondly, I want to speak to those who are currently battling depression. This is what I have to say. Light can be found even in the darkest of places. This quote was famously spoken by Albus Dumbledore from the Harry Potter series. This is a statement that is full of truth. If you are experiencing depression and/or anxiety or thoughts of suicide, I want to encourage you to reach out. No matter how much darkness surrounds you, it does not have to be the end.